Just when I think Oprah is slipping into the cesspool of daytime TV after succumbing to the scandalous (John Edwards’ mistress) and the sensational (the woman whose face was clawed to shreds by the orangutan), she digs out of her hole to resurrect her favorite things show. This, after all, was the woman who introduced us to jersey sheets in our naive days when we thought Egyptian cotton was it. But just when I was settling in for my sick-day indulgence, the show devolved into a giveaway of Santa-on-crack proportions: an iPad, diamond earrings, cashmere pants, a Coach bag, and oh, a new Volkswagen beetle.
The giveaways were so numerous, she had to split them into two episodes. Rumor has it one guy in the audience even fainted when he learned he was getting a free cruise. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m happy for this man who maybe has never been on a vacation before, but the elitist in me cannot be quashed. All I kept thinking was: A cruise? I hate cruises. Seriously, I was more excited about the $29 device that promises to keep your herbs fresh. And that, my friends, is why it’s a good thing I wasn’t in the audience, because no one wants to see an ungrateful, pissed off elitist scoffing at a free cruise; they want to see people wiping away tears and hugging each other and passing out from joy. But I damn well would have fainted when she told me that the basil I just bought for $3.99 could last a month with the new Herb Savor.