My neighbor needs stalking lessons

I live next to a 40-something guy who lives for his truck. He’s an unemployed, divorced, strictly sweatpants-wearing guy with bleached hair who lives with his parents whom he swears at relentlessly. As if it needed to be said, he’s also emotionally stunted and socially inept. His only joys are his big red truck and the underperforming Buffalo Bills.

The weird thing is (OK, it’s all weird, but just go with it), he has this uncanny ability to dart out of the house whenever he sees me or one of my neighbors outside. You’d think he wants to talk, but instead he just walks around, fiddling with his truck. Can’t even say “hi” half the time. It’s gotten to the point where I’m walking home from work and he’ll appear on his porch like he’s waiting to say hi or wanting to be seen–as in check out my physique, which he maintains by bench pressing weights that he drags and leaves outside. When I go out to read on the back porch, he emerges but does nothing but walk around his driveway. If I head to the car, there he is, revving his truck’s engine but going nowhere. It’s like he doesn’t understand how stalking works. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not gonna give him any tips, but come on: work on the subtlety and the small talk.


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